Thanksgiving is the one day of the year when everyone acts like a food critic. No one has stronger opinions than Gene the Capybara. He is Capy Life’s resident herbivore, snack lover, and carb-based lifeform.

And yes… he’s an herbivore in real life.
No… that will not stop him from ranking Thanksgiving sides like he is Gordon Ramsay with a seasonal candle burning.

Let’s dive into Gene’s official ranking of Thanksgiving side dishes — from “elite” to “absolutely not.”

(Disclaimer: Gene does not comment on turkey. He simply pretends it isn’t there. A boundary king.)

🥇 1. Stuffing (Elite Tier)

Stuffing is the Beyoncé of Thanksgiving sides: iconic, dependable, and carrying the entire holiday on its back.

Gene loves stuffing for one reason:
It is bread pretending to be a vegetable.

As an herbivore, he appreciates the commitment.

Gene’s verdict:
“Vegetable-adjacent bread? Say less.”

Why it wins:

• Soaks up gravy like a sponge

• Infinite variations

• Tastes even better the next day

• Comfort level: astronomical

🥔 2. Mashed Potatoes + Gravy (Top Tier)

Soft. Fluffy. Emotional support in bowl form.

Gene, who lives life with zen-level calm, sees mashed potatoes as the spiritual blueprint he strives for every day.

Gene’s verdict:
“If inner peace were edible.”

Herbivore note:
Gravy is optional for Gene, but he stares respectfully at it.

🥐 3. Dinner Rolls (Top Tier)

Gene is a simple capybara with simple needs: warmth, softness, and snacks. Rolls check all three boxes.

Gene’s verdict:
“Carbs? Yes. More carbs? Even better.”

Why it ranks high:

• Perfect for building mini sandwiches

• Perfect for butter

• Perfect for avoiding awkward family questions

🧀 4. Mac and Cheese (High Tier)

Gene cannot technically eat cheese, but he respects cheese.

He ranks this dish based on pure vibes.

Gene’s verdict:
“Cheese lava baked onto noodles? I understand the appeal.”

Herbivore aside:
He cannot partake, but he can spiritually support.

🍠 5. Sweet Potato Casserole (Mid Tier)

Sweet potato casserole confuses Gene… but in a good way.

Is it a side? Is it dessert? Why is it covered in marshmallows?
He does not know, and he does not care.

Gene’s verdict:
“Chaos, but delicious chaos.”

🌽 6. Cornbread (Mid Tier)

Gene appreciates cornbread for its calm energy.
It's slightly sweet, slightly crumbly, and in no way threatening.

Gene’s verdict:
“Wholesome. Mildly dusty. Reliable.”

🥗 7. Green Bean Casserole (Low Tier)

Gene is a pro-vegetable herbivore…
…but even he has questions about the strange swamp that hides beneath those crispy onions.

Gene’s verdict:
“Top layer: hope. Underneath: despair.”

Why it falls:

• Texture confusion

• Emotional risk factor: high

🍒 8. Cranberry Sauce (Low Tier… But With Judgment)

Here’s where Gene gets controversial.

He prefers the canned cranberry sauce.
Yes — the jiggly, ridged cylinder that looks like it was molded in a Pringles can.
The one that schlops out and holds its shape like a holiday skyscraper.

Gene’s verdict:
“I want the one that wiggles. The fancy artisanal berry mash? No thank you.”

Why the canned one wins:

• Slicing it like floppy red coins = peak joy

• Reliable texture

• Predictable sweetness

• Does not pretend to be anything it’s not

Gene respects authenticity.

🥬 9. Salad (Bottom Tier)

Gene is a literal herbivore, and even he ranks salad last.

Gene’s verdict:
“Why are we doing this on Thanksgiving? Who hurt you?”

Salad is there to appease one person at the table, and nobody ever knows who that person is.

🦫 Gene’s Official Herbivore-Friendly Thanksgiving Plate

For those wondering what Gene actually eats, here is his ideal herbivore plate:

• Stuffing (front and center)

• Mashed potatoes

• Dinner rolls

• Cornbread

• Green beans (raw is fine, casserole is negotiable)

• Sweet potatoes

• A heroic spoonful of canned cranberry slices

• ZERO turkey

• ZERO judgment

🦃 Final Thoughts: Thanksgiving Is Carbs Season, and Gene Approves

Gene may be an herbivore, but he is absolutely a Thanksgiving sides expert. His philosophy is simple:

If it grew from the earth or was baked by someone’s grandma, it belongs on the plate.

This year, whether you're team stuffing, team mashed potatoes, or team “bring all the carbs and leave the salad in the car,” we hope Gene’s ranking brings some chill energy to your holiday table.

May your sides be elite, your turkey be optional,
and your cranberry sauce be in perfect jiggly slices.

If you need me, I'll be in a warm pond

-Gene