Gene’s Guide to Surviving Trunk-or-Treats (Without Losing Your Chill… or Your Candy)

Gene’s Guide to Surviving Trunk-or-Treats (Without Losing Your Chill… or Your Candy)

Every October, humans transform the humble parking lot of a preschool or church into a sugar-powered Thunderdome.

There are fog machines, Bluetooth speakers blasting “Monster Mash,” and parents dressed like Pinterest boards that came to life.

Meanwhile, I, Gene the Capybara, have one mission: survive the 90 minutes without breaking a sweat… or a candy corn.

Step 1 — Set Realistic Expectations (of Chaos)

If you’re expecting “chill autumn vibes,” I regret to inform you: you are instead attending the Hunger Games for Twizzlers (or worse …)

Accept that the child dressed as an inflatable velociraptor will elbow you. Accept that someone will hot-glue fifty bats to their hatchback and call it “tasteful minimalism.”

🧠 Pro tip from Capy Life: Pack adult snacks (or an adult beverage). Because your kids will have five pounds of candy — and somehow none of it is the kind you like.

Step 2 — Don’t Compete. Transcend.

Some parents go full Martha Stewart meets Tim Burton. Others tape a single paper ghost to the trunk and call it art.

I suggest the third option: enlightened apathy.

Park near the fog machine, open your trunk, display a Capy Life Unbothered hoodie, and sip from your “Headmaster of Chill” mug.

You’re not underdressed — you’re zen.

Step 3 — Remember: It’s the Kids’ Marathon, Not Yours

Children will sprint like Olympic athletes hopped up on Kit Kats, and 48 seconds in tell you they've been to every trunk and some people are already out of candy. You will also be handed at least one melted Snickers.

Let it go.

Smile.

Whisper your mantra: “I am the trunk. I am the treat.”

Step 4 — Post-Event Decompression Ritual

When the time ends (and it may not feel like it ever will — but have faith) and your child returns with a grocery-bag-sized candy haul, do not attempt to reason with them.

Simply light your Ho Ho Ho candle (yes, it’s early, but you’ve earned it), put on your “This Is Me Unbothered” tee, and practice gratitude that you survived the sugar storm. Then, when they aren’t looking, dump half their bag into another kid's bucket and hightail it out of there.

Closing

Remember, Trunk-or-Treat isn’t about winning (that’s what Easter Egg Hunts are for) — it’s about showing up, surviving, and letting your car return to its natural state of mild chaos.

Stay spooky, stay chill, and always keep your candy tax reasonable.

🦫 – Gene, Professional Observer of Human Nonsense